Losing a piece of me

   Some of you reading may already know that we experienced a great loss today. We found out two weeks ago that we were pregnant. We told our family this weekend but were waiting to tell others. I took off from school today for our first doctor appointment expecting to be leaving with a smile and sonogram pictures in hand. Instead we left with heavy hearts and tears in our eyes.

   The sonogram didn't look like it should have and when I went upstairs for the urine sample, I lost a lot of blood. I knew what was happening. I walked into the waiting room and sobbed into Andrew's shoulder. My doctor examined me, sent me back down for another sonogram and it was gone. When we skipped the blood-work, it really set in and I fell apart. I knew she was about to sit down and tell us that we miscarried.

    We are blessed to have such a wonderful doctor. She hugged me and explained everything in detail. It meant so much that she took so much time with us. I didn't ask many questions because when it hit me, I wanted to be ok. I tried to hold back. All I could think about was moving on. How can we think about trying again when I'm not sure how long it will take to recover emotionally from this? It's something that will take time and trust that God has a plan for us.

   Addie was asleep when I got home from the doctor. I got her out of her bed and put her in our big bed. Andrew, Addie, and I snuggled together for most of the day. It's comforting that she doesn't know what is going on. All she knows is that we are sad about something so she keeps dishing out kisses to us. Mom came and got her to give us a little break but I couldn't be without her for long. She is even more special to us now. It was a surprise to us that we were pregnant with her and we had an easy delivery. What a blessing she was and is! What would we do without her?

   Patience, understanding and trust are three things that we are learning through this. It's funny that Sunday night, with my 12th graders, we talked about how God uses the valleys and the peaks to teach us to trust in Him. Here is my real-world application. Praise him in the peaks AND in the valleys. Although I am struggling to understand, I know that there is a reason.

   It's been a roller coaster of a day.  We have gone through every emotion. I now know what this is like. I have always heard of it and have had close friends and family members go through it, but I could never relate. You can't until you have experienced this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's physically and emotionally painful. It's not going to be easy but we will get to ok. I have heard that you never forget this baby but you do move on and find peace about it. I hope that we get there soon.